12 Irrational Ideas That Cause and Sustain Neurosis
1. The idea that it is a dire necessity for adults to be loved by
significant others for almost everything they do -- instead of their
concentrating on their own self-respect, on winning approval for
practical purposes, and on loving rather than on being loved.
2. The idea that certain acts are awful or wicked, and that people who
perform such acts should be severely damned -- instead of the idea
that certain acts are self-defeating or antisocial, and that people
who perform such acts are behaving stupidly, ignorantly, or
neurotically, and would be better helped to change. People's poor
behaviors do not make them rotten individuals.
3. The idea that it is horrible when things are not the way we like
them to be -- instead of the idea that it is too bad, that we would
better try to change or control bad conditions so that they become
more satisfactory, and, if that is not possible, we had better
temporarily accept and gracefully lump their existence.
4. The idea that human misery is invariably externally caused and is
forced on us by outside people and events -- instead of the idea that
neurosis is largely caused by the view that we take of unfortunate
conditions.
5. The idea that if something is or may be dangerous or fearsome we
should be terribly upset and endlessly obsess about it -- instead of
the idea that one would better frankly face it and render it
non-dangerous and, when that is not possible, accept the inevitable.
6. The idea that it is easier to avoid than to face life difficulties
and self-responsibilities -- instead of the idea that the so-called
easy way is usually much harder in the long run.
7. The idea that we absolutely need something other or stronger or
greater than ourself on which to rely -- instead of the idea that it
is better to take the risks of thinking and acting less dependently.
8. The idea that we should be thoroughly competent, intelligent, and
achieving in all possible respects -- instead of the idea that we
would better do rather than always need to do well and accept ourself
as a quite imperfect creature, who has general human limitations and
specific fallibilities.
9. The idea that because something once strongly affected our life, it
should indefinitely affect it -- instead of the idea that we can learn
from our past experiences but not be overly-attached to or prejudiced
by them.
10. The idea that we must have certain and perfect control over things
-- instead of the idea that the world is full of probability and
chance and that we can still enjoy life despite this.
11. The idea that human happiness can be achieved by inertia and
inaction -- instead of the idea that we tend to be happiest when we
are vitally absorbed in creative pursuits, or when we are devoting
ourselves to people or projects outside ourselves.
12. The idea that we have virtually no control over our emotions and
that we cannot help feeling disturbed about things -- instead of the
idea that we have real control over our destructive emotions if we
choose to work at changing the musturbatory hypotheses which we often
employ to create them.
(From The Essence of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy by Albert
Ellis, Ph.D. Revised, May 1994.)
To simplify, Ellis also talks about the three main irrational beliefs:
1. “I must be outstandingly competent, or I am worthless.”
2. “Others must treat me considerately, or they are absolutely
rotten.”
3. “The world should always give me happiness, or I will die.”
Unconditional self-acceptance
Ellis has come to emphasize more and more the importance of what he
calls “unconditional self-acceptance.” He says that, in REBT, no one
is damned, no matter how awful their actions, and we should accept
ourselves for what we are rather than for what we have achieved.
One approach he mentions is to convince the client of the intrinsic
value of him or herself as a human being. Just being alive provides
you with value.
He notes that most theories make a great deal out of self-esteem and
ego-strength and similar concepts. We are naturally evaluating
creatures, and that is fine. But we go from evaluating our traits and
our actions to evaluating this vague holistic entity called “self.”
How can we do this? And what good does it do? Only harm, he
believes.
There are, he says, legitimate reasons for promoting one’s self or
ego: We want to stay alive and be healthy, we want to enjoy life, and
so on. But there are far more ways in which promoting the self or ego
does harm, as exemplified by these irrational beliefs:
I am special or I am damned.
I must be loved or cared for.
I must be immortal.
I am either good or bad.
I must prove myself.
I must have everything that I want.
The ABC’s of feelings & behaviours
American psychologist Albert Ellis, the originator of Rational
Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), was one of the first to systematically show
how beliefs determine the way human beings feel and behave. Dr. Ellis
developed the 'ABC’ model to demonstrate this.
('A’) refers to whatever started things off: a circumstance, event or
experience - or just thinking about something which has happened. This
triggers off thoughts
('B’), which in turn create a reaction - feelings and behaviours - ('C’).
To see this in operation, let’s meet Alan. A young man who had
always tended to doubt himself, Alan imagined that other people did not like
him, and that they were only friendly because they pitied him. One day, a
friend passed him in the street without returning his greeting - to which
Alan reacted negatively. Here is the event, Alan’s beliefs, and his
reaction, put into the ABC format:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street without speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
1.He’s ignoring me. He doesn’t like me.
2.I could end up without friends for ever.
3.That would be terrible.
4.For me to be happy and feel worthwhile, people must like
me.
5.I’m unacceptable as a friend - so I must be worthless as a
person.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: worthless, depressed.
Behaviours: avoiding people generally.
Now, someone who thought differently about the same event would
react in another way:
A. What started things off:
Friend passed me in the street without speaking to me.
B. Beliefs about A.:
1.He didn’t ignore me deliberately. He may not have seen me.
2.He might have something on his mind.
3.I’d like to help if I can.
C. Reaction:
Feelings: Concerned.
Behaviours: Went to visit friend, to see how he is.
These examples show how different ways of viewing the same event can
lead to different reactions. The same principle operates in reverse: when
people react alike, it is because they are thinking in similar ways.
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The rules we live by.....
What we tell ourselves in specific situations depends on the rules
we hold. Everyone has a set of general 'rules’. Some will be rational, others
will be self-defeating or irrational. Each person’s set is different.
Mostly subconscious, these rules determine how we react to life.
When an event triggers off a train of thought, what we consciously think
depends on the general rules we subconsciously apply to the event.
Let us say that you hold the general rule: 'To be worthwhile, I must
succeed at everything I do.’ You happen to fail an examination; an event
which, coupled with the underlying rule, leads you to the conclusion: 'I’m not
worthwhile.’
Underlying rules are generalizations: one rule can apply to many
situations. If you believe, for example: 'I can’t stand discomfort and pain
and must avoid them at all costs,’ you might apply this
to the dentist, to work, to relationships, and to life in general.
Why be concerned about your rules? While most will be valid and
helpful, some will be self-defeating. Faulty rules will lead to faulty
conclusions. Take the rule: 'If I am to feel OK about myself, others must like
and approve of me.’ Let us say that your boss tells you off. You may
rightly) think: 'He is angry with me’ - but you may wrongly conclude: 'This
proves I’m a failure.’ And changing the situation (for instance, getting your
boss to like you) would still leave the underlying rule untouched. It would
then be there to bother you whenever some future event triggered it off.
Most self-defeating rules are a variation of one or other of the '12
Self-defeating Beliefs’ listed at the end of this article. Take a look at this
list now. Which ones do you identify with? Which are the ones that guide your
reactions?
What are self-defeating beliefs?
To describe a belief as self-defeating, or irrational, is to say
that:
It distorts reality (it’s a misinterpretation of what’s happening); or it
involves some illogical ways of evaluating yourself, others, and the world
around you awfulising, can’t-stand-it-itis, demanding and people-rating; It
blocks you from achieving your goals and purposes; It creates extreme emotions
which persist, and which distress and immobilize; and It leads to behaviours
that harm yourself, others, and your life in general.
Four ways to screw yourself up
There are four typical ways of thinking that will make you feel bad
or behave in dysfunctional ways:
1.Awfulising: using words like 'awful’, 'terrible’, 'horrible’,
'catastrophic’ to describe something - e.g. 'It would be terrible if …’, 'It’s
the worst thing that could happen’, 'That would be the end of the world’.
2.Cant-stand-it-itis: viewing an event or experience as unbearable
- e.g. 'I can’t stand it’, 'It’s absolutely unbearable’, I’ll die if I get
rejected’.
3.Demanding: using 'shoulds’ (moralising) or 'musts’
(musturbating) - e.g. 'I should not have done that, 'I must not fail’, 'I need
to be loved’, 'have to have a drink’.
4.People-rating: labelling or rating your total self (or someone
else’s) - e.g. 'I’m stupid /hopeless /useless /worthless.’
Rational thinking
Rational thinking presents a vivid contrast to its illogical
opposite:
It is based on reality - it emphasizes seeing things as they
really are, keeping their badness in perspective, tolerating frustration and
discomfort, preferring rather than demanding, and self-acceptance;
It helps you achieve your goals and purposes;
It creates emotions you can handle; and
It helps you behave in ways which promote your aims and
survival.
We are not talking about so-called 'positive thinking’. Rational
thinking is realistic thinking. It is concerned with facts - the real world -
rather than subjective opinion or wishful thinking.
Realistic thinking leads to realistic emotions. Negative feelings
aren’t always bad for you. Neither are all positive feelings beneficial.
Feeling happy when someone you love has died, for example,
may hinder you from grieving properly. Or to be unconcerned in the
face of real danger could put your survival at risk. Realistic thinking avoids
exaggeration of both kinds - negative and positive.
From Self-defeat to Rational Living
first # is irrational belief second # is the rational counterpart
1. I need love and approval from those
significant to me - and I must avoid
disapproval from any source.
1. Love and approval are good things to
have, and I'll seek them when I can. But
they are not necessities - I can survive
(even though uncomfortably)
without them.
2. To be worthwhile as a person I must
achieve, succeed at what ever I do, and
make no mistakes.
2. I'll always seek to achieve as much as I
can - but unfailing success and
ompetence is unrealistic. Better I just
accept myself as a person, separate to my
performance.
3. People should always do the right thing.
When they behave obnoxiously, unfairly
or selfishly, they must be blamed and
punished.
3. It's unfortunate that people sometimes do
bad things. But humans are not yet
perfect - and upsetting myself won't
change that reality.
4. Things must be the way I want them to
be - otherwise life will be intolerable.
4. There is no law which says that things
have to be the way I want. It's
disappointing, but I can stand it -
especially if I avoid catastrophising.
5. My unhappiness is caused by things
outside my control - so there is little I can
do to feel any better.
5. Many external factors are outside my
control. But it is my thoughts (not the
externals) which cause my feelings. And I
can learn to control my thoughts.
6. I must worry about things that could be
dangerous, unpleasant or frightening -
otherwise they might happen.
6. Worrying about things that might go
wrong won't stop them happening. It will,
though, ensure I get upset and disturbed
right now!
7. I can be happier by avoiding life's
difficulties, unpleasantness, and
responsibilities.
7. Avoiding problems is only easier in the
short term - putting things off can make
them worse later on. It also gives me more
time to worry about them!
8. Everyone needs to depend on someone
stronger than themselves.
8. Relying on someone else can lead to
dependent behaviour. It is OK to seek
help - as long as I learn to trust myself and
my own judgement.
9. Events in my past are the cause of my
problems - and they continue to influence
my feelings and behaviours now.
9. The past can't influence me now. My
current beliefs cause my reactions. I may
have learned these beliefs in the past,
but can choose to analyse and change
them in the present.
10. I should become upset when other people
have problems and feel unhappy when
they're sad.
10. I can't change other people's problems
and bad feelings by getting myself upset.
11. I should not have to feel discomfort and
pain - I can't stand them and must avoid
them at all costs.
11. Why should I in particular not feel
discomfort and pain? I don't like them,
but I can stand it. Also, my life would be
very restricted if I always avoided
discomfort.
12. Every problem should have an ideal
solution, and it is intolerable when one
can't be found.
12. Problems usually have many possible
solutions. It is better to stop waiting for
the perfect one and get on with the best
available. I can live with less than the
ideal.
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/ellis.html
http://www.rebt.ws/albert_ellis_the_essence_of_rebt.htm
http://www.rational.org.nz/public/intro.htm